Don't know what to do!                                      

I am thinking and thinking, but I cannot find something I love to do, and it can also bring me monetary benefits. I may be thinking about what my family will allow me to do; it has impacted my mind so much that I cannot escape it. I don't like this. How can I heal myself? How do I get out of this swamp I was pushed into?

What do I like? ......................................................................................................................................................

Honestly, I read somewhere that children of dysfunctional families want nothing but a warm house and a loving partner. My mind is stuck in this. I feel like this is my only goal and happiness.

Wait, I have a dream to help people in need, whether financially or by being there for someone in their bad times and guiding them. But how can I do it when I am not my true self? How can I be their light when I am in darkness? I want to get out of this, but it's so difficult. I know it's not impossible, but it's challenging mentally. 

How to heal yourself? How to be You? How do you do what you truly love? It's like my mind is paralyzed.

I want to do so much in my life, but I am stuck here in one place, which is also not so good. How to get out of here. Now, I see a little light at the end of this tunnel. Still, it's a long way to go, and I need so much strength to fight my negative thoughts and stay hopeful. I will get out of this. One day, I will think wow, now I am independent, nobody can boss me around, and I can be myself. 

I want to care for so many people, but I also need money, which is irritating me now. If I want to apply for a teaching job, they want experience. If I wish to be admitted to a university, they want experience and a portfolio. UGH, I hate to study, so how can I study? Lol, I need clarification. My dreams, me, and my circumstances are clashing. I hope to solve this patiently. 

Thoughts making me reflect

Okay so, when someone insults you, they are actually showing their insecurities, what they are insecure about they are going to make a comment about that on you because this is what makes them feel better. And I know I have a very bad habit of putting myself down in front of others so they don't feel bad about being around me. These people see life through a different lens than mine, and they see me as someone who puts a lot into having good material things. But this is what I love to do and you don't do. 

Okay, so I just saw a video. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6ClPmz1mT4A

I was reading comments and what I saw made me reflect on myself as well. I always criticize my younger sister for being loud and energetic and honestly, I just realized this is what I wanted to do but I couldn't because I felt embarrassed of being me. She did it and I couldn't. 

I am always scared of being myself, apparently because I am a people pleaser. 

(Please don't assume just the basis of this one post, I am trying to heal from my traumas, Why I am sharing this on the internet? because maybe it will or can help someone like me and also to journal my journey)

"Insulting others and Trying to humble them screams insecurity"

I am just remembering now what I did to my niece. I was asking for the mask she gave it to me but before I was able to hold it, the mask fell. She did jokingly like get it if you want and I gave her an angry gaze and told her to give it back to me, which she did. I felt bad as well about how she was so sad. Now I am thinking what triggered me to do this? 

One thought that I have is "it's disrespect to elders" and the other thought is whenever someone is themselves it makes me angry because this is what I want to do but I cannot. 

The lesson of the day!

Sometimes you must believe that some people are not worthy of your love, care, and time. 

JUST LET THEM GO!

 If you don't understand this and still care about them, I believe in Allah, so if you still care about those dishonest people Allah will open your eyes. There is a saying that goes, "You will learn this lesson the hard way if you don't learn the one life is trying to teach you.". Don't do this to yourself. Don't hurt yourself anymore. I give people too many chances that they are not even worthy of, and that's why I learn in a very hurting way that they are not the people or things in my life I should spend my energy on. 

Thinking about those people will not benefit you. I didn't have an outside world exposure that much, yes I am talking about the dishonest people in your own family. those people who know your weak point and when you don't act the way they want you to, Be Prepared, they are going to hurt you on that weak spot of yours that you once shared with them. Because you thought they were your family. 

I always believed (unconsciously) that family is by soul or heart, not blood. It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most and thanks to my family, now I have a firm belief that it's true. My family will be by heart, not by blood.

Stop wasting your energy on people who don't care about you.

My slogan is be the one to be the change. Be the one to be the change that you want in this world, if you could not get it then you must be that change for others.

May be you can be that change for someone else.

For me there are two kinds of people in this regard. the first one is that I endured this I must not let others endure the same. and the other one is, it was like this when it was for me, now others will also feel the same as me. I cannot say any of these people wrong because situations are different for everybody and i cannot feel what they felt at that time. So, Only I can say this that if we want we can change these so called traditions that only cause pan to others because these traditions have been made by us, the humans not the God. Traditions are beautiful things to celebrate, to cherish but if these traditions become painful, agonizing and unbearable for somebody, these must be terminated.

Some traditions that have no sense but pain.

Gender Reveal:

This the most stupid thing people do when it comes to a family. I don't know why people think that it matters to be a girl or boy. There are so many people who don't have kids, they don't discriminate, they don't wish for a boy, they just wan the baby, they want to be blessed. We don't have to do this, and it doesn't seem like anyone's getting much out of it other than some social media pictures and cake.

One of the big problems with gender reveals is that they aren't actually that. Gender is based on social and cultural differences between the sexes. What we can tell about a child at birth is their sex (what genitals they're born with). Gender refers to what societal norms are placed on them based on their sex.